


shit it's the inglourious gaysterds

by orphan_account



Category: Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Genre: "BINGO HOW FUN" bitch shut the fuck up, "archie was hot. then he died" - me 2k18, <<< send me death, AU REVOIR SHOSANNA, BDSM, BE AT MY ASS WITH THAT FUCKING CLUB, Crack, DONT ASK ABOUT THAT KINK JUST YET, Daddy Kink, F/M, HUGO YOU ARE A FUCKING BADASS I APPRECIATE YOU, IF THE SHOE FITS YOU MUST WEAR IT, Imnotsorry, LANDA IS A THOT THOT THOT WITH A CROCK POT POT POT, LMFAOOOO WHY ARE YOU READING THIS. BITCH IMYELLING, M/M, MAJOR OOF, MARCEL SWEETIE ARE YOU OKAY, MARCELLLLL :'((((((, OBLIGE ME DADDY, OF COURSE HANS WE'RE NOT SHOVING SHOES UP ALDO'S ASS, OKAY IM SORRY BUT WHOEVER ACTED AS HITLER IN THIS MOVIE YOU DID A GREAT JOB BEING UGLY SWEETIE, Oh wait, Porn, Sex Toys, Shameless Smut, Spandex, THAT'S A BINGO, THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN EITHER WAY, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Love, WHY AM I MAKING HANS GAY IN EVERY CHAPTER, WISH SOMEONE LOVED ME AS MUCH AS SHOSANNA LOVED MARCEL, YES DONNY MY BOY, bridget is hot okay dont fucking tell me otherwise, but i blame myself for writing this, destiny u are making good chapter requests sweetie bless your life, eh doesnt matter hammerstank is a bitch, fredrick needs to DIE, fun fact for y'all: my best friend calls me big daddy sometimes and now im scared, hans landa but he sings bodak yellow to flirt with aldo raine, hans landa but he's a gay boyo, hans would call the apache big daddy, i blame my friends for getting me into this movie, i dont think hans knows what a bingo is, i love aldo the apache with a surreal passion, i said i was gonna do it-, i thought i would like fredrick but nO BOY WANNA FUCKING HURT MY GIRL SHOSANNA, i write other fics and i get writers block a lot, if this is how we finna do this is how we finna do, im sorry if chapters take too long sjjsjsjsjddj, is it just me or would landa and raine hate-fuck on a daily basis, more crack then a tube of cocaine shoved up your ass, multiple homo stories in one shit fic, nvm, oOf fuck you hans i love you but you killed a hotti, okay but hugo is?? A fuckin'?? BADASS, omfg what the fUCk am i doing, perrier makes me cry, ugh kill me!!!!, utivich and ulmer are cute though ngl, what if bridget was a porn actress-, why did i overdose on multivitamins, your boy still loves rumors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 05:14:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13357263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: buckle up fuckos we're going in for a wild ride, time to meet the inglourious basterds, the best interracial couple of 2k09, and THE JEW HUNTER





	1. in which hans is a power bottom

**Author's Note:**

> for destiny  
> i hate you xoxo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i already want to die because of this chapter title LOL

"Get off me, you fuckin' Nazi scum!" Aldo hissed. "Fuckin'... fuckin'-  _shit_!"

Hans wrapped his dominant hand around the Apache's neck, smirking and giving him a glare. His pants were off and he aggressively grinded against Raine's rough boner, still clothed. His face was red and he kept on spitting insults at Hans' face.

"You motherfucking Jew-killing fag, get the damn fuckin' fuck off me, you piece of shit!"

"But how can I get off you?" Hans giggled. "You're so sexy." The Standartenführer leaned in to kiss Aldo. He let Aldo bite his bottom lip and his tongue all together in one attempted chew. He didn't mind it - fuck, he even  _enjoyed_ it.

Aldo punched Hans in the stomach with his knee. He had only jerked a little bit away from him, pushing his hand off his neck, and then ended up snickering and eventually laughing.

"Fucking asshole, let me go!" Raine screeched, arching his back. "Get these fucking handcuffs off me and let me go!"

"I can't do that," Landa stated. "Like I said about twenty seconds ago, you're so sexy. I can't get enough of you. I can't get off you, too. I want... to get you off because of me as well. I-Is that what you guys say?  _Getting each other off_?"

"It's just getting you off, Jesus Christ-"

"Oh! So you do want to get me off? Ooh, this is exciting!"

"You fucking fuck! I'm not assfucking you!"

"But that's what I want from you, Mr. Aldo Raine," Hans moaned. "You see, I want you... to have... this thing called sexual intercourse with me. Anally. If that's a word!" He laughed again. Raine was more than pissed now, his heart beating out of his chest.

 _"God, I want to kill you right now if I had the chance."_ he muttered to himself angrily.

"Anyways,  _Apache_ ," Landa continued. "I want you to fuck me, right here, right now. If you fuck me, right here, right now, I'll consider letting you go in a time span of five minutes. And I don't want you to fuck me normally. I want you... to place that well-renowned fist around my throat. Yeah, that seems right. Well-renowned fist; ha-ha, I'm a genius!"

"Genius?" Aldo scoffed.

"Smart man. It's the definition. Have you not been educated as a child, Raine?"

"I know what the word genius means, you assfuck lover, now let me go!"

"I will until you fulfill my needs, Raine." Hans placed his hand on Aldo's neck again, with the same amount of hardcore pressure he used before. "You see how I suffocate you now? This is how I want you to hurt me. Hurt me like this. Inflict pain on me like this."

"You want pain, bitch?" Aldo screamed.

"I mean, that is what I asked for-"

"I'll give you pain, bitch!"

The cuffs choking Raine's wrists snapped off from the headboard and he was free to rise up. And so he did, madly kissing Hans as his hands tugged onto his collar, pulling him in. The Jew Hunter had tried to elicit a moan, but he was pinned down before he could make such a lewd sound. Aldo turned him around so that his ass was on his hard dick, not quite touching his asshole, but just enough so that he could be reminded of the revolting stench of his sex in his dreams. Eventually, Raine did not hesitate to push his pants down and let himself into the Standartenführer,  _"anally"_ , as so it presumed, and lean in to gain better volume of Landa's uncontrollable, nearly exaggerated moans.

 _"Oh, my God, Aldo 'The Apache' Raine!"_ Hans said. "Since when did you become such a man of sorts?"

"I'm not choking you today, assfuck," Raine growled.

"T-Today?!" Hans gasped in utter amusement yet surprise. "We're gonna... We're gonna fuck again? Someday? I'm so excited!"

"No." The Apache pulled onto Hans' hair and let him groan. "I don't fulfill needs fully."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why why why why why why why what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck kill me kill me kill me kill me kill kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy holy shit holy shit holy shit let me die let me die let me die let me die let me die let me die let me die let me fUCK. ING. die.


	2. hans thotanda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hans thotanda with a crock pot pot potanda

aldo the apache: wait where are you going

hans landa: why you need to know all up in my pussy boiiii

aldo the apache: u gay

hans landa: shut up!

aldo the apache: eat my ass

aldo the apache: eat my ass and sue me, you fucking assfucker.

hans landa: i will ;)

hans landa: i'd gladly would enjoy eating your ass, sir aldo raine.

aldo the apache: you thot

hans landa: shut up

aldo the apache: you gay thot

hans landa: i am not gay

ALDO THE APACHE has changed the group chat name to: HANS THOTANDA

hans landa: stop

ALDO THE APACHE has changed hans landa's name to: hans thotanda

hans thotanda: stop, daddy...

aldo the apache: stop you gay thot

HANS THOTANDA has the left the chat.

aldo the apache: t h o t

the bear jew has logged in.

the bear jew: wtf is going on

ALDO THE APACHE has logged out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tag yourself i'm HANS THOTANDA


	3. flammable films

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "happy holocaust! i mean, happy hanukkah!" - logan

They had spoken soft words to each other, and to each other only. They had never fought. They never cursed in one's faces. They were star-crossed lovers, holding hands under restaurant tables and constantly pursing their lips together to push them in the desired direction.

But they had loved each other so much.

If a red dress and a grin did not put a smile on Marcel's face, she didn't know what else to do.

There was no other man like Marcel. He was a sweet, vulnerable man who had his perky violent side. He was not afraid to pick up an axe and slam it on the nape of a neck as well. No one knew about Marcel except for her. He stayed and worked sleepless nights for her.

But he didn't have to do that.

She even tells him herself.

_"You didn't have to do this."_

He does the same thing over and over again.

He just only kisses her, and it's like the world stopped spinning. One day, his hands are on her cheeks. The next, on her waist. The third, one fist in her hair, not aggressively pulling, but not delicately grabbing either. And he always pulls away without inhaling a puff of oxygen. He then speaks afterwards.

_"Yes, I did have to. I love you so much. I love you so much, Shosanna."_

But one day, he laughed for a little bit.

_"You know... somedays, I just think you only say that so I could kiss you."_

Her cheeks turned pink.  _"You're the only man I ever loved, Marcel."_

_"And you're the only woman I ever loved, Shosanna."_

They kissed, long and hard, and for a short moment, they didn't realize that they nearly dropped a film near a free match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE NOT WRITTEN FLUFF IN SO LONG OKAY IT'S BEEN 32759102 YEARS SINCE I WROTE LOVEY DOVEY STUFF DONT @ ME


	4. immortal

_"Let's just say she got what she deserved."_

Of course, she did. Von Hammersmark  _did_ deserve to  _die_ in the hands - no -  _in the fists of the Standartenführer himself_. Imagine all the pain she went through just to stay alive. Now, you killed... her. You just choked the famous Von Hammersmark herself. Sure, you are a strong man. You're born to be that way. But you crossed a line. But that's what you enjoy doing. Crossing lines, cutting lines in half with scissors, using them as a toy. Keep on fucking playing with your toy. You feel like such a man when you choke a girl, don't you? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Her family? She didn't mention that to you. Do you still consider her a good friend from  _"way back"_? You think you're irrestible, inevitable, unable to kill. You're a powerful man. No one can deny that. And that nickname?  _The Jew Hunter? A name that stuck?_ You deserve that name, that's for damn sure. But people want to kill you. They want to poison your ass. They want to throw a switchblade at you and slice your throat and slit your wrists all in one.

But you don't care. You don't want death coming to bite you in the ass just yet.

But what if it does come early for you? Will you be okay in your grave? Did you get a good run? Do you have a good ending to your tale? Do you have a heart in the fucking envelope?

No.

You don't have that.

All you have is a gun in your hand, sweaty palms, messy hair, and a red, round face.

You think you're immortal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's okay hans ily... youfuckingbastard
> 
> also
> 
> i listen to family man by black flag too much
> 
> jsjsjsjjsjfdfdfsdf


	5. fräulein/femme fatale

They tried to kiss, and they tried to kiss genuinely for a long, long time. But how could they? She lied to Hans, and yet he still managed to hold her chin with his fingertips, red from the lukewarm heat, blue with the passionate rage.

 _"I went mountain climbing,"_ she said earlier.

 _Mountain climbing? I do not see a scab on Fräulein's chin whatsoever,_ Hans thought to himself.  _Even with every bat of my eyes, I cannot simply suspect it._

All of this thinking led him to press his lips harder onto Bridget's, the amount of pressure overwhelming her tongue. She let go and pulled away, hesitant yet aware.

"A-Are you alright, Hans?" Von Hammersmark asked, a strap of her bra already falling off her shoulder.

"Y-Yes," lied Hans. "I'm well."

"Well, you don't seem  _well_ ," Bridget attempted to flirt, a hand sliding down the man's uniform and slowly unbuttoning it. "You talk too damn much, Landa. Surely, I do in my films, but... you need a piece of duct tape on those lips of yours. There are better ways to use your mouth than to chat about silly behaviors."

"What do you want me to do?" Landa asked.

"You could start by ripping off this fucking skirt with your bare hands."

The man, all of a sudden, started to shake. He had never been this nervous touching a girl before. Or, any provocative young woman in the matter of sorts.

" _Fräulein_ , I-"

"Shut up-" Bridget grabs Hans' hand by the wrist and places it on the waistband of her skirt. "-and just... touch me."

A heat rose up, and Hans didn't seem to like it as much as he thought he would. He dreamt of dirty thoughts. Von Hammersmark was only his friend, but he had little scenarios that burst in his head every now and then of him and her. They were explicit, pornographic scenarios. One minute, fucking in the nonexistent snow. One minute, fucking in the raining sun. He loved these scenarios, but one of them was about to come true.

And he did not like it.

He did not like this.

He realized it now. And he stepped away from it.

"I know what you're doing here,  _Fräu_ Von Hammersmark."

The actress grinned. "What is it?"

Hans yelled, "You want to get me into trouble!"

Bridget blushed. "I can't help getting men like you into danger."

All the memories and dreams of Hans and Bridget burned down.

And, for a moment, it felt like Hans wanted to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 11pm god kill me


	6. foreplay

Aldo never let Hans pull on his hair during sex.

He found it overall rude and despicable. He thought Landa never knew what he was messing with. Well, frankly, he  _was_. He just acted dumb.

He let The Jew Hunter run his fingertips through his hair and breathe in the same oxygen and carbon dioxide he inhaled and exhaled, but he never let him tug on it. Maybe it was a precious thing. After all, no matter where he went, no matter how many shots he took from his gun, and even if he took a shower if he got the chance in a million years, his hair would still look the same.

The Apache always knew Hans was weird. If he wanted to pull onto his hair so bad because hair-pulling is a big part in sexual arousal, he didn't even change his answer for a second try. It was always a firm no that turned Landa on.

_Weird fuck Jew-killin' scumbag._

That was, until now.

 

Hans' hands were on Raine's shoulders, fingernails grazing hard on his skin. He was allowed to be as aggressive as he pleased. His legs were wrapped around his waist, their lower bodies rubbing against each other, the friction overheating the temperature of their passion. Aldo was giving him hickies and small kisses on his collarbone, making him groan in pleasure. His back arched and he smiled ever so happily. He was in bliss.

Wait. Not quite.

Aldo's hair was on full display, his sweat from the body heat making each lock of it glisten. Hans could've sweared to the Führer that he did not -  _denied_ \- that he had a hair fetish, but Hitler knew Landa was the dirtiest man around.

His hands shook and quaked. He didn't know to push his fingernails on the Apache's shoulders a bit more and make him bleed or to shove them hidden in his hair...

And, so, he took the risk.

His right hand dragged onto Raine's hair and he pulled, not tightly, but not so lightly either. It was just right for him, and he bit his bottom lip as he realized how hard he was pressed against Aldo's thigh and his teeth sinking into his skin. He murmured  _"yes, oh, my fucking God, more"_ as his entire body flushed red from sex.

He then let go of Aldo's hair. Raine stopped as well. Landa started to panic.

"Fuck... shit, Mr. Raine, I'm sorry, I-"

"Shut up." Aldo hissed. He then sighed, eyes piercing into Landa's. "It's fine. I liked it."

"But... but you said-"

"I know. It's just... you tug things so... hard. That's kinda why I don't let you jerk me off anymore."

Hans only laughed. "You're so funny, Raine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO DID HANS/ALDO THE APACHE SMUT AGAIN HA ME BITCH-
> 
> okay ngl tho.....
> 
> hans....
> 
> is like
> 
> 1% sexy to me yikes


	7. kossenhaschen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fyi: the chapter title is the name of a german hotel

"Raine..." Aldo whispered, his seductive words lingering in the air for a while. "Look at this genuine gold headboard. It's so pretty." He grinned wider than he usually did and his cheeks turned red. Not furious red. It was an imitate, erotic red.

"Yeah, they are." The Apache said, running his fingers through Landa's hair, kissing his cheek eventually. "But the headboard is so much better with your hands on it. Take off the robe. I want to see all of you."

Hans was hesitant. He couldn't believe he was obeying such a... man. But he was incredibly vulnerable to The Apache that he didn't even try saying no to anything he said.

He did slide the robe off his shoulders, but the entire thing fell off the bed soon enough. To Aldo's surprise, he was not that injured. There were no scabs, no bleeding cuts, no bullet holes. Raine was amused as well. His hands roamed around Landa, to his neck, to his chest.

Stomach...

Thighs...

In-between...

Hans gasped then groaned, throwing his head back to Raine's chest. He looked up at him, his widening eyes pleading for him to not stop. One of his fists tugged onto the bedsheets, already wrinkling from the sweat and rapid body movement, the other fist grabbing onto Aldo's jacket.

"F-Fuck, shit..." Hans rambled. "You're so good at this, Mr. Raine. My God, you're so good..."

"Yeah, I know," Aldo chuckled. "It's my  _job_." Raine moved his hand faster and Landa began to whimper loudly, eyes shut.

"Aldo... Raine... shit..." said Hans breathlessly. "Please... P-Please..."

"What is it, babe?"

"I... I..."

"I can't understand you if you don't speak, babe. Don't be afraid to say it."

"I... Please... Oh, goddamn, fuck...  _please_.  _Jesus Christ_ , I need it. I need you."

"What do you need?" Aldo said between kissing Hans' neck. "What do you want?"

"I want... I need... you... to...  _fuck me_."

Raine's eyes fluttered open in utter shock. He let out a sharp, shrill gasp that nearly made Hans' heart stop. The submissive man was in fear and he began to worry.

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck. I... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-"

The Apache shushed Hans with his lips, soft and firm, pressed against each other for only a short while.

"It's okay. I'll fuck you."

Hans was surprised.

"How do you want it?" Aldo continued.

"I... I want it... hard. Rough. Yet soft. Go.. soft. Gentle. I think that's the word.  _Gentle_? I don't remember..."

"So, easy first, hard later and last?"

Landa nodded quickly. "Yes. I want it like that.  _You're going to fuck me like that_."

"I love it when you talk dirty like that."

Hans smiled. He then laid himself down on the bed, legs spread apart. His fists were already in the sheets, silently begging for it. Raine crawled up, smiling at him back.

"Are you ready?" he whispered.

The man nodded quickly again. "Yes. Yes, yes,  _yes_. Please fuck me. I want it..."

Aldo leaned in more.

_"Give it to me."_

Not even a second later, the two were joined together. They had moved softly, chests and lips incredibly close to each other. Hans tried not to moan so loud so that the hotel staff and the sleeping couples wouldn't wake up, disturbed yet aroused. However, he emerged those loud moans, his fists nearly tearing the bleach white blankets apart.

"Are you alright?" Aldo murmured, suddenly pausing.

Hans groaned, "I'm... overwhelmed. The good overwhelmed. This feels... good."

"Do you want more?"

"Yes, please. Apache, shit... don't stop. I want everything. Give me everything. I want it all. I need it all. Please."

Raine sighed. "I can't resist you at all, babe. You're so sexy."

The two kissed, and they kissed each other for a period of time. A few minutes later, Aldo continued to move, but much faster. Hans arched his back and smiled.

This was a literal taboo paradise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sexy times cliffhanger because i'm an evil bitch. mwahahahaha, motherfucker.


	8. kossenhaschen, pt. 2

"Please..." Hans whispered. "P-Please..."

Aldo grunted, "Please what?" and stopped moving.

"D-Do it... Do it from behind."

"What? You want me to-"

"Yes."

Raine was surprised - well, just a little bit. Him and Hans had sex multiple times at random daylights, sunsets, and full moonlit skies, but the man had never asked him to fuck him like...  _that_.

"Won't... Won't it hurt ya?" he asked.

"No. No, it won't," replied Hans, shaking his head a little. "I just... want you... like that...  _in me_."

"Jesus fuckin' Christ, you really are fuckin' something else, aren't ya?"

"But I'm not a something. I'm a-"

"It's a  _metaphor_ , Landa." Raine groaned in annoyance, but he eventually smiled from the man's naivety. He softly turned Hans over. He was then mesmerized. He couldn't stop darting his eyes at every curve and edge of Hans' body, from chest up and waist down. He loved it all.

Hans grabbed onto the headboard. He turned his head.

"You said the headboard looks more gorgeous with my hands wrapped around it, right?" Hans reminded The Apache. "I do recall that."

Raine smiled. "Agreed. I wasn't lying. You are perfect."

Those three words made Landa weak in the fucking knees. His regular breaths were sliced into fifteen irregular separate ones, making him tear up in happiness.

"Oh, Raine! Thank you so much!"

Aldo leaned in and pushed himself in again, kissing Hans on the neck. "You're welcome, you fucking scumbag. You know, I am starting to think that I may love you."

Hans' grip tightened with each passing second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA THIS IS THE END ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA godkillmewhydoihavetobelikethis


	9. red

Red is the color of beauty. It's indescribable, gorgeous. Red could be even prettier than Von Hammersmark herself. It's the color of passion. Red lingers on the tongue and excites. It's the hue of desire as well, sparking flames anew. But it is also the color of blood. The color of the thickest liquid spread in war on the grass. Pouring under the seats of a theatre room, electrocuting the chargers and the electrical currents. It drips on the corners and the balconies, staining the sidewalks. It eventually fills up the rivers and the lakes, bringing water down to its knees, like thorns on the roses.

And it's what Shosanna wore on her last day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen [insert author name here] u aint slick u cant write in art class
> 
> also yes this was supposed to be short
> 
> ALSO I JUST SINGLE HANDEDLY ROASTED BRIDGET IM SORRY HONEY YOU DONT DESERVE THIS


	10. WRAPPED around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMMA REGRET THIS SO HARD

"Scumbag." Raine called out for Landa. The man had gotten used to the multiple insults thrown at him like paper mache confetti on an English girl, but he could care less. He had just only smiled and giggled a little.

"Yes, Apache?"

"Y'know, I don't get usually like to get up into people's business-"

"Then don't," Hans interrupted, not even turning the heels of his shoes at the slightest when Aldo tugged him by his collar, slammed his head on his chest, and wrapped his arm around his neck.

"I'm. Not.  _Done._ " Raine hissed, applying more pressure with those three words. Hans gagged then whimpered then moaned in pain for a little while, and still continuing to make those gurgling sounds coming from his throat as Aldo spoke a little more. "Now, as I was saying, I have a question to ask you, Hans. And that is...  _do you have a choking fetish_?"

"No!" Hans yelled. "No, no, no, no, no, no! I would never have a -  _fuck_ \- such an aberrant liking for something so...  _strangling, ah, fuck me_!" The man kept on exclaiming and screaming absurd, offensive nonsense until Aldo kicked him out of his grasp. He watched Landa's chest heave hard and quick, up and down, up and down and his eyes widen up as he stared at him, right dead in the fucking eyes.

"Then why did ya moan?" asked The Apache.

"What?" squeaked Hans.

"Moan, you fuckwad, I am not stupid."

"I- I never said you were-"

Aldo placed his right hand on Hans' neck, shutting him up and suffocating him ever so softly yet erotic at the same time.

"You act like I am." Raine said. "So, answer my fucking question, and say the truth. Or else."

"W-What?" Hans gasped.

Raine held out a knife - the same fucking knife.

Hans cried out. "No! No, no, no, no, no,  _Gott_ , fuck no, please!  _Please! Please don't! Please_!"

"Shut up, ya big baby," Aldo groaned. "You act like I'm gonna kill ya with this thing. Even though your forehead blood would look good with the rest of you."

"Please!" Landa screamed again.

"Answer my fucking question!"

"Fine, yes!  _Yes!_ Yes, I have a... 'choking... fetish', as you call it! I am ashamed of it!"

Aldo smirked. "Don't be. At least some other parts of you are... useful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM ABOUT TO GET FLAMED BY "SOMEONE" AFTER THEY READ THIS HOOOOOO MY ASS IS PREPARED FOR A SPANKING


	11. what about that girl?

"Donny boy!" Aldo chuckled, cheeks flushed, breathless sighs emerging out of his mouth between his speech. "Come on, you should've at least a few peasant girls that you thought were a bit tantalizing while walking around this whole fuckin' piece of a sewer."

"Nah, no girl has caught -  _goddamn_ \- my eye yet," Donowitz replied. He had moaned the word  _goddamn_ so loud that the walls practically vibrated with him. He shivered at the wave of warmth that suddenly burned his skin. "Damn, Aldo... you're good at this shit, huh?"

"You never talk to me, Don," Raine said, holding his hips up. "so, I found a way to spark conversations with you. It's a bit...  _weird_ , I should say, but this is how it's gotta be with you."

"It's not my fault you're such a pervert."

"I'm a pervert for watching you... jack off that day?"

"T-Technically!" Donny squealed. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Bargin' on me like that. Shit. You're a pervert. A pervert, a voyeur, everything voyeuristic, everything perverted-"

His rambling shut up as Aldo bucked his hips up carelessly, but Donny only moaned louder, biting his bottom lip and then his tongue to not wake up the others, only sleeping loudly below his feet.

"Shit, Raine! You're..."

"Big?" The Apache added. "I know. And you're tight."

"Yeah, no shit," Donowitz grumbled, trying to act tough. "I ain't never had a dick up in my ass before."

"Before. You do now."

"S-Shut up!" Donny was flustered now, avoiding eye contact with Aldo's smirk as much as possible, but with him moving so much to just come already, he couldn't even bother to do so.

"But seriously," Aldo resumed. "Tell me about that girl."

"What girl?" Donowitz quickly spat out.

"Y'know,  _her_. When you were choking your fucking chicken-"

"Don't use that phrase-"

" _When you were choking the fucking chicken, Donowitz_ , I heard you say about something 'your pussy' and 'your perfect, round tits'. You had  _a girl_ on your mind? Hmm? Go on. Tell me all about her."

Donowitz went faster. "I don't have  _a girl_ on my mind, Aldo, shit... I was... thinking of girls in general."

"Tell me all about it."

"Just... girls... honestly, I haven't thought about a woman in such an erotic manner in a long time, heh... I just think about girls sometimes. How pretty they are, their sultry voices, how women are when they are naked helplessly,  _shit_!  _Fuck!_ Aldo... do I have to?"

"That's okay." Aldo smirked again. "I don't need more details."

"Fuckin' hell, Raine, I'm gonna-"

"Do it." he whispered huskily. "Come for me."

Donny slammed himself on Aldo's body, tugging onto his collar and biting his collarbone hard, ceasing his screams at the lowest volume to ever exist. His muscles tightened and he ached in that familiar climax of pleasure he enjoyed, smiling and sighing. He felt just as tense as he usually was as he held that fucking club of his, mashed in a pool of Nazi blood, from one skull to a piece of a brain to the next skull. Then, he calmed down, quickly, riding out his orgasm, yet still holding tight to Aldo. Heavy, hot breaths danced out of his mouth and his lips became soft and wet from that warmth. He bit his lip again and then looked at Raine one last time, letting his smirk get the best of him.

"Fuck you. Just... fuck you," he joked. He laughed, and so did Aldo.

"Fuck you, too." His smile was the best thing Donowitz had ever seen.

Then, someone woke up.

"Yo." Stiglitz's voice emerged out of the distance. He then smiled as well. "That was fucking hot right there. You was not wrong when they say Donowitz is the closest thing we gettin' to the movies."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMYELLING OG MY GOD THIS WAS ACTUALLY REALLY FUN TO WRITE NGL
> 
> but...
> 
> donowitz/raine is actually hot. yes. you may as well strangle me to death like h*ns l*nda did with br*dget v*n h*mmerSTANK.


	12. FUCK A DUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is seriously. Seriously. CRACK.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> COCAINE

"Yo, Don-o," Aldo said. "I heard about some weird ass kinky shit with the Man himself."

Donny scoffed, his bat over his shoulders as his grip was tight and his smirk was as bright as ever. "You mean Hitler?"

"Fuck yeah, I mean  _Hitler_! He actually did it!"

Donowitz's heart began to race. "W-What?"

"Landa was right. Apparently, the German man don't know what an American metaphor is, so when you said  _'fuck a duck'_ while we were taking out that squad earlier, Hitler all of a sudden-"

"He. Did. Not."

"Well... not actually... pump-and-dump the poor Billy boy duck-o himself. Just... did a solo jerk on its feathers. Took the duck home, used his semen to wash Billy the duck, and slaughtered it and butchered it and ate it for his dirty pleasure of a fascist fucker's mind."

Speechless, The Bear Jew tried to manage words out of his mouth. But the only thing that came out was: "Is that true?"

Aldo laughed hysterically. Then, he said - _"Fuck, no!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMK XUOK GOMS SS ING ALDO WHY WOUKD DO THIS I AM SO SORRY DONNY DO YOU NEED A GLASS OF MILK HONEY ??? SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN, IT'S OKAY BABY.... NOW GO FUCK A DUCK


	13. dieter and hugo have sex

dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex dieter and hugo have sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me 3 hours to write this because my computer couldnt fucking copy and paste i am proud of myself


End file.
